Hey Rocklin?

Game over.

One of those days.

Today I just don't feel....adequate.


I'm not as pretty as most girls, I'm not as sweet as most people, I make jokes that shouldn't be made, I am not always as nice as I could be, I am not as skinny as most girls, I am not a hard enough worker, I get jealous easily, I am too sensitive, I'm just not a good person sometimes and boys don't like me the way they like other girls...I am just not good enough today.


I'll be fine.


It's just one of those days. 

I shouldn't be allowed to dream anymore.

Last night I had a dream that I was not wearing shoes in the shower's of my University. 

There is one word for that: disgusting.

In my dream I was freaking out. 

Right this moment I am freaking out.

This is something to freak out about.

Can you imagine? All of the germs from every other girl/psycho freak to use that shower would get all over my bare....little....feet. I would be helpless. There would be no other possible answer but to burn off my feet. Only then would my body be purified.

Oh gosh. This is gross.

Because then I proceeded to dream about my ex-boyfriend.

Needless to say, I don't recommend falling asleep on the couch of your parent's house while watching "A Few Good Men" with Tom Cruise....

<3

Double Ew. Tee. Eff.

Today was an average day in the life of an 18 year old college freshmen.
I woke up.
I went to a work meeting.
I went to class.
I drank tea.
I went to dinner.
I went to the gym.
I showered.
I am here.
Sounds a little dull, I know. Have no fear, readers. It was anything but dull.


At dinner this evening I ate with a friend and a couple of other people, one of whom I had met before and really enjoyed. So I introduced myself to the other person, as I usually do, and I just got this awkward...weird... hilarious sense from her. She was physically disproportionate, wore thick glasses, and was eating some sort of pasty dessert. Overall she was completely unaware of how to be socially appropriate. This means a lot coming from me...I know a multitude of socially awkward people. Anyways, she reminded me a lot of Agatha Trunchbull from that children's movie, Matilda? Do you remember her? The woman who always threatened to put kids in the chokey?


Let me pull up a photo...

Remember her now? This woman was at my school tonight. I met her. And she will be performing a strip tease in early February. 

No, seriously. She legitimately is going to strip tease in front of an audience...

INSERT TITLE OF BLOG HERE.

Okay, you're looking at this picture right? 

I don't mean this the wrong way, but some people are made to strip tease. And this socially awkward, Hitleresque woman is NOT one of them.

After telling me this lovely information, this girl proceeded to eat my chips and then leave.
Thanks Ms. Hitler Trunchbull. Thanks.


Sometimes, I love college. :]
Sometimes. when I think about women like this doing strip teases, I don't...


At all.

Breathe.

"They are all counting on me to succeed

I am the one who made it out

The one who always made the grade

But maybe I should've just stayed home...

When I was a child I stayed wide awake, climbed to the highest place, 

on every fire escape, restless to climb"

Lyrics from the Broadway musical "In The Heights," the song: Breathe.

There is so much pressure here, both direct and direct. I feel the need to stay connected to my friends at home, as they are the ones I feel comfortable with. I feel the need to get away, to connect to something, someone here. But it's so scary. I am scared. 

Scared.

I hope a certain someone reads this...and sees that this is not easy. I am fighting against everything it seems. It's me against the world. I have such big dreams and it's killing me  to know that I don't have all the support I'd like. It is also hard to be the only one of your friends who left home. I miss things at home so much but I feel like I have a yearning to connect to something here. I haven't found that something yet, but I know I will. Someday. Until then, there is a void. A void that makes me lonely. 

Lonely.

This is so ridiculous. I am not the kind of person to be feeling this way. I am confident. I am capable. I am fine. But right now, I am scared and I am lonely. 

I've had this song on repeat all day long. It swear they wrote this song for me. The end go a little something like this...

"Straighten the spine

Smile for the neighbors

Everything's fine

Everything's cool

The standard reply

'Lots of tests, lots of papers'

Smile, wave goodbye

And pray to the sky, Oh, God"

Diet Mountain Dew isn't sticky.

Diet Mountain Dew (a.k.a the nectar of the gods) was spilled all over the floor of my dorm today. Funny story actually...I was on the phone with my mother and I got really excited and I knocked over a 1 liter container of the stuff. I screamed and wiped it up with Kleenex and Swiffer pads (minus the Swiffer). Good news out of the whole sha-bang-go? It isn't sticky! Because DIET = NO SUGAR. Which is actually a very VERY good thing. Ants in a dorm room would suck more that brand new vacuum cleaner, and those things sure can suck.




As for the rest of my day? I just want everyone to know that I am good enough. I will not change. Take me for who I am or leave. Regardless of your decision I will be your friend. It's just how I do.

WARNING: TYPICAL GIRL MOMENT

It gets hard to wait for people to come into your life who appreciate YOU. Not the person they want you to be or the person they think you are, but you. You in all of your embarrassing, dramatic, ridiculous glory. No, I'm really not that great. I'm actually very frustrating. I am headstrong. I am loud. I talk a lot. I have meat on my bones. I don't wear a size 2 (or a size 6 for that matter). I am emotional. I am sensitive. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't "party with my crew." I elaborate stories. But above all else I am determined to wait for someone who loves these faults as much as they love the good things about me. I will not settle. So if you don't like these negative aspects...you can leave. I know, it's kind of blunt but I'm serious. If you are in my life, I do my best to give you the best I can be. If that's not good enough for you, I can't help you. 

I am a dedicated friend. And it's hard to deal with the people who don't reciprocate that dedication. I have already come to terms with the fact that I care more than most human beings. But there must be someone else who cares as much as me, right? Whoever you are, I'm here. I'm waiting. But no rush, I can keep learning from all these jerks...that way I'll be even more awesome for you. :]

Ready, Set, Go.

Someone once told me that a relationship is strongest when the foundation is strong. If that's the case, let's start this thing off the right way. The basis of my life is coming your way. 

1)The title of this blog is not a lie. I really have always wanted to be called Ace as a term of affection. Rory Gilmore got called Ace and I will be too, gosh darn it.

2)I laugh in every kind of situation. I laugh when I'm happy. I laugh when I'm sad. I laugh when I'm uncomfortable. I laugh when I'm perfectly content. I'm just always laughing. I'm also always crying. Don't ask me how that works...it just does. 

3)Psychology major, pre-law minor. Basically, don't mess with me. I'll psychoanalyze you right into court.

4)I will make it into Stanford Law if it's the last thing I do. I don't know if I'll actually attend, but I will receive that acceptance letter.

5)My day is not complete unless I've sung. My outpour of emotion comes from my heart but through my mouth. Singing is an art, a skill, a talent and most of all, a therapy.

6)My parents are my favorite people in the entire world. No, this is not a joke. They are the only two individual's who have never let me down. They are my heroes and I don't ever see that changing.

7)People disgust me. People make me angry. People hurt me. People make me cry, constantly. But people are the reason I'm alive. I know it. I am made to help people and while I'm alive I am going to give my all to making other people's lives better.

8)My life is like a hilarious spoof of a Spanish soap opera. 

9)I'm a theatre girl and I'd prefer if the drama stayed on the stage, although that rarely happens to an 18 year old girl.

Finally, 10)I've always felt like I've belonged. Since I've left high school, that has changed completely. For the first time, I'm scared, I'm lost and I'm lonely. For some reason, I think that's how it's supposed to be when you're 18. I'm going to find my way if it's the last thing I do. I don't know where I belong or what I'm supposed to do, but when I find it I will know. Until then, I'm just trying to figure this college thing out.