"I didn't mean to rip your arm off."

Today, I was in Borders and I was purchasing my new 2011 planner (WOOT I love planners....honestly....) and there were 4 cashiers. Three boys and one girl. I literally stood there in line thinking, "please let me get the girl...please let me get the girl...." You see people, the Borders by where I work has the MOST ATTRACTIVE male clerks. It's a little bit overwhelming in all the right ways. Whenever they help me purchase things I do the dumbest things. For example, in the past I've dropped all my money on the ground while trying to pay, I've forgotten my name and phone number, and I always blush like crazy. HELLO. These boys are wonderful. Anyways, I didn't feel like being embarrassing today, so I wished for the girl. Did I get her? No. Of course not. I got the most attractive boy....which is wonderful, don't get me wrong....but HE HAD AN ENGLISH ACCENT. Needless to say, I basically died inside. You know, I died in that girly way where the boy who fits your "man list" is standing right in front of you and there's absolutely nothing you can do but embarrass yourself....So what happened to me this time? Well, he asked for my Borders Rewards card and I have it on my keychain, which is attached to a lanyard, which was attachhed to my wrist. I handed him the rewards card, and he pulled it over the counter, which pulled my lanyard, which pulled my whole arm. It was terrible because it hurt and I didn't see it coming...so I made this obnoxious American noise due to the unexpected pain. He laughed at me. Did you read that? He LAUGHED at me. Which made him even more adorable. Which made me blush even more....and he said (in his adorable little accent) "I didn't mean to rip your arm off."


I took that as, "Amy, will you marry me? I love you."


The wedding will be held in a matter of months, check your snail mail soon for invitations. :)

Clay Aiken makes me cry.

Wow. Christmas is here already. Well in a matter of hours... ;)


What can I say?


Happy birthday, Jesus. :)
I am going to do my best to love all with all that I am this upcoming year.
I am thankful that I have somewhere to go for Christmas and loving people to share it with.
I am so thankful for my mother, my father, my sister and everyone else who holds a special place in my heart.


Today I got a text from one of my friends...I just gave them their gift and their text was so welcomed and humbling. It wasn't the fact that we got each other presents...it was the fact that when we gave the gifts it was a  gesture of affection, of thoughtfulness and most of all, friendship.


I think I may be the only 18 year old girl who cries when Clay Aiken's Christmas album is played. Honestly...it just hits home. His voice combined with songs about Christmas and loving people no matter what.....just gets to me.


Therefore, I'm also thankful for Clay Aiken.


Merry Christmas.


Someday, when I grow up....I'm going to do something special on Christmas for people who have nowhere to go and no one to celebrate it with. It breaks my heart to know that people are alone on this wonderful day. Love. Love. Love. That is the answer.

Growing up.

I think we should all try to accept the fact that it's time to do it: grow up, that is. 
My best friends don't understand that when they are upset or unsettled or not okay....I am too. I care about what they do, I care about how they feel and that's just the way it is. Regardless of whether it is me or someone else making them feel that way...I care about how they feel. 


Now, my decisions are my decisions. I will make them. I am 18 and I appreciate your opinion BUT I would appreciate it if my decisions were not ridiculed and taken personally. Honestly people....let's calm down here. We're all grown up...let's love each other regardless. 
THAT is the key, I think. 
LOVE.
I can love you, as my friend, without loving all of your decisions. But do I have the authority to tell you what I think of EACH AND EVERY one of your decisions? No. I don't. So I won't. Because you are also 18, maybe 19. And you are perfectly capable of making your own decisions. If you ask for my opinion, I'll gladly give it to you. I expect the same from you. 


But let's just love each other and share that. Let's not be shy about letting our friends know we appreciate them. 


I know people aren't happy right now. But it's not my fault and it's most certainly not my job to make you feel better....although I feel like it is. Sometimes, I feel like the glue of my group...the only one who tries to hold it all together. And I don't mean the group. I know the group dynamic has changed. I mean, I'm the only one who asks to hang out, I'm the only one who texts and calls and makes plans...I'd be nice to feel like my friends are happy I'm home. 


I don't know. I'm just really considering not coming home next semester. And if I do...I won't tell my friends. Just my family. Is it bad to want to feel appreciated? No. I don't think so. 


But you know what, I will always love. Always. Regardless of how you treat me....I'll love you. I'll call you. I'll text you when you need someone to talk to. I'll drive to your house at 2 am if you need a hug. Always. So please, don't hesitate to let me know. :)


Love is the answer people. 
LOVE.
So do it. 


And to my friends who read this: I miss you. I love you. Let's embrace things as they come and grow up together. I'm a people person, I need you. I give you my word, I won't let you down; so please try and return the favor. 


p.s. I also apologize to those of you reading this post who think it's a cry for attention or a sobby pity party. It's not. It's a flipping blog post. Get over it. :)


Okay, thanks.
Back to the love.  <3

Change: a verb, a noun, and a huge part of life.

I feel like I've FINALLY got the swing of this college thing....
I'm more connected to people here, I'm less attached to things at home, I'm an avid Grove shopper and UC eater, I have a 12 hour a week job, I am on top of all of my work....and now, I have to leave.
My life is planned out by the hour. I honestly have a chart that is scheduled by the hour. And every hour is filled with something! My life is always on the go, I'm always moving and there's always something to be preparing for.
And in 4 days, it all comes to a crashing halt for 4 weeks.
Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to go home!
But for 4 weeks.....?
What on Earth will I do?
I am beginning to LOVE my school, to LOVE my college experience and now it has to be put on pause for 4 weeks?


Meh. 
On top of that, I have to pack EVERYTHING up and take it home.
EVERYTHING.
I  mean....my side of the room has to be completely EMPTY.
This means fridge, microwave, body mirror, all my clothes, my food, my belongings, my bedding, my fish....it all must be packed and taken home.
But all for good reason!!!


Next semester=new roommate and new room! I am THRILLED.
My new roommate is going to be SO much fun (I already know her :] ) and our room is going to ADORABLE.
So I guess there's a bright side to leaving for such a long time.
When I come back, college life should get EVEN BETTER.


I can't wait!
In the mean time, it's time to have a wonderful holiday season. :)

Hey Rocklin?

Game over.

One of those days.

Today I just don't feel....adequate.


I'm not as pretty as most girls, I'm not as sweet as most people, I make jokes that shouldn't be made, I am not always as nice as I could be, I am not as skinny as most girls, I am not a hard enough worker, I get jealous easily, I am too sensitive, I'm just not a good person sometimes and boys don't like me the way they like other girls...I am just not good enough today.


I'll be fine.


It's just one of those days. 

I shouldn't be allowed to dream anymore.

Last night I had a dream that I was not wearing shoes in the shower's of my University. 

There is one word for that: disgusting.

In my dream I was freaking out. 

Right this moment I am freaking out.

This is something to freak out about.

Can you imagine? All of the germs from every other girl/psycho freak to use that shower would get all over my bare....little....feet. I would be helpless. There would be no other possible answer but to burn off my feet. Only then would my body be purified.

Oh gosh. This is gross.

Because then I proceeded to dream about my ex-boyfriend.

Needless to say, I don't recommend falling asleep on the couch of your parent's house while watching "A Few Good Men" with Tom Cruise....

<3

Double Ew. Tee. Eff.

Today was an average day in the life of an 18 year old college freshmen.
I woke up.
I went to a work meeting.
I went to class.
I drank tea.
I went to dinner.
I went to the gym.
I showered.
I am here.
Sounds a little dull, I know. Have no fear, readers. It was anything but dull.


At dinner this evening I ate with a friend and a couple of other people, one of whom I had met before and really enjoyed. So I introduced myself to the other person, as I usually do, and I just got this awkward...weird... hilarious sense from her. She was physically disproportionate, wore thick glasses, and was eating some sort of pasty dessert. Overall she was completely unaware of how to be socially appropriate. This means a lot coming from me...I know a multitude of socially awkward people. Anyways, she reminded me a lot of Agatha Trunchbull from that children's movie, Matilda? Do you remember her? The woman who always threatened to put kids in the chokey?


Let me pull up a photo...

Remember her now? This woman was at my school tonight. I met her. And she will be performing a strip tease in early February. 

No, seriously. She legitimately is going to strip tease in front of an audience...

INSERT TITLE OF BLOG HERE.

Okay, you're looking at this picture right? 

I don't mean this the wrong way, but some people are made to strip tease. And this socially awkward, Hitleresque woman is NOT one of them.

After telling me this lovely information, this girl proceeded to eat my chips and then leave.
Thanks Ms. Hitler Trunchbull. Thanks.


Sometimes, I love college. :]
Sometimes. when I think about women like this doing strip teases, I don't...


At all.

Breathe.

"They are all counting on me to succeed

I am the one who made it out

The one who always made the grade

But maybe I should've just stayed home...

When I was a child I stayed wide awake, climbed to the highest place, 

on every fire escape, restless to climb"

Lyrics from the Broadway musical "In The Heights," the song: Breathe.

There is so much pressure here, both direct and direct. I feel the need to stay connected to my friends at home, as they are the ones I feel comfortable with. I feel the need to get away, to connect to something, someone here. But it's so scary. I am scared. 

Scared.

I hope a certain someone reads this...and sees that this is not easy. I am fighting against everything it seems. It's me against the world. I have such big dreams and it's killing me  to know that I don't have all the support I'd like. It is also hard to be the only one of your friends who left home. I miss things at home so much but I feel like I have a yearning to connect to something here. I haven't found that something yet, but I know I will. Someday. Until then, there is a void. A void that makes me lonely. 

Lonely.

This is so ridiculous. I am not the kind of person to be feeling this way. I am confident. I am capable. I am fine. But right now, I am scared and I am lonely. 

I've had this song on repeat all day long. It swear they wrote this song for me. The end go a little something like this...

"Straighten the spine

Smile for the neighbors

Everything's fine

Everything's cool

The standard reply

'Lots of tests, lots of papers'

Smile, wave goodbye

And pray to the sky, Oh, God"

Diet Mountain Dew isn't sticky.

Diet Mountain Dew (a.k.a the nectar of the gods) was spilled all over the floor of my dorm today. Funny story actually...I was on the phone with my mother and I got really excited and I knocked over a 1 liter container of the stuff. I screamed and wiped it up with Kleenex and Swiffer pads (minus the Swiffer). Good news out of the whole sha-bang-go? It isn't sticky! Because DIET = NO SUGAR. Which is actually a very VERY good thing. Ants in a dorm room would suck more that brand new vacuum cleaner, and those things sure can suck.




As for the rest of my day? I just want everyone to know that I am good enough. I will not change. Take me for who I am or leave. Regardless of your decision I will be your friend. It's just how I do.

WARNING: TYPICAL GIRL MOMENT

It gets hard to wait for people to come into your life who appreciate YOU. Not the person they want you to be or the person they think you are, but you. You in all of your embarrassing, dramatic, ridiculous glory. No, I'm really not that great. I'm actually very frustrating. I am headstrong. I am loud. I talk a lot. I have meat on my bones. I don't wear a size 2 (or a size 6 for that matter). I am emotional. I am sensitive. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't "party with my crew." I elaborate stories. But above all else I am determined to wait for someone who loves these faults as much as they love the good things about me. I will not settle. So if you don't like these negative aspects...you can leave. I know, it's kind of blunt but I'm serious. If you are in my life, I do my best to give you the best I can be. If that's not good enough for you, I can't help you. 

I am a dedicated friend. And it's hard to deal with the people who don't reciprocate that dedication. I have already come to terms with the fact that I care more than most human beings. But there must be someone else who cares as much as me, right? Whoever you are, I'm here. I'm waiting. But no rush, I can keep learning from all these jerks...that way I'll be even more awesome for you. :]

Ready, Set, Go.

Someone once told me that a relationship is strongest when the foundation is strong. If that's the case, let's start this thing off the right way. The basis of my life is coming your way. 

1)The title of this blog is not a lie. I really have always wanted to be called Ace as a term of affection. Rory Gilmore got called Ace and I will be too, gosh darn it.

2)I laugh in every kind of situation. I laugh when I'm happy. I laugh when I'm sad. I laugh when I'm uncomfortable. I laugh when I'm perfectly content. I'm just always laughing. I'm also always crying. Don't ask me how that works...it just does. 

3)Psychology major, pre-law minor. Basically, don't mess with me. I'll psychoanalyze you right into court.

4)I will make it into Stanford Law if it's the last thing I do. I don't know if I'll actually attend, but I will receive that acceptance letter.

5)My day is not complete unless I've sung. My outpour of emotion comes from my heart but through my mouth. Singing is an art, a skill, a talent and most of all, a therapy.

6)My parents are my favorite people in the entire world. No, this is not a joke. They are the only two individual's who have never let me down. They are my heroes and I don't ever see that changing.

7)People disgust me. People make me angry. People hurt me. People make me cry, constantly. But people are the reason I'm alive. I know it. I am made to help people and while I'm alive I am going to give my all to making other people's lives better.

8)My life is like a hilarious spoof of a Spanish soap opera. 

9)I'm a theatre girl and I'd prefer if the drama stayed on the stage, although that rarely happens to an 18 year old girl.

Finally, 10)I've always felt like I've belonged. Since I've left high school, that has changed completely. For the first time, I'm scared, I'm lost and I'm lonely. For some reason, I think that's how it's supposed to be when you're 18. I'm going to find my way if it's the last thing I do. I don't know where I belong or what I'm supposed to do, but when I find it I will know. Until then, I'm just trying to figure this college thing out.